I woke up this morning st around 5:30. Felt OK for a few minutes, then the anxiety started creeping in. Relatively quickly it turned into anger. Bad anger, gut churning anger, if I don't stay angry I am going to cry like a baby anger. About what I am not totally sure. I suspect, though, that is is because my girlfriend is coming home today after staying with a friend's daughter for two nights. I don't have a specific complaint, she didn't do anything to piss me off (well, that's an overstatement, she does things all the time that piss me off), and yet the idea of her being home makes me want to scream and cry and run away.

I am tired of pretending that I want this relationship to work. I am tired of stuffing my feelings all the time when I know it's going to hurt only me in the end. I am tired of living with someone so self righteous, so totally incapable of personal insight, so completely convinced of her own superiority that I want to drag her down into the depths of my own anger and shove it in her fave. Repeatedly and often. I feel like I am so on the edge.

I need to start making plans. I need to stop trying to fake this. I don't love her. I don't even like her. She's rude, overbearing. insecure and an intellectual midget. She sees everything in black and white and can't get her head around the grey. She thinks she the God given authority on parenting yet she's abandoned two kids she's helped to raise. She's a total asshole. And her breath smells like ass.

I have to stop focusing on what I would be giving up if I leave her and concentrate on what I will gain. I will be able to parent my kids the way I want to. I will be able to choose who I spend my time with. I will read all the time and not have her bugging me for attention. I will be able to attend to my own needs on my terms in my way without having to constantly defend myself. I won't have to withhold information because I am afraid of how she will react, even when I know her reaction is ridiculous. I won't have to feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with her.

I want to be in charge of my life again.