OK, so I think I am back to square one. I am back in that feeling of wanting to be single again. It's a feeling that comes around for me over and over again, only this time it's different, I feel it not in anger but more as a possibility. Like a promise to myself that I can have what I want and I don't have to sacrifice it anymore.

I have been listening to a book about the law of attraction and it's helping me to see that I am living a life of "don't wants" and that I focus on that way too much. I am stuck in a pattern of negative thought, feeling and energy, all in a vain attempt to figure out what's wrong with me, Jan, my parents, my kids, my boss, you name it. I am finally coming to realize that staying in this emotional pit of anger is holding me back and making me feel stuck (and sick). For the longest time I have waited for a sign, something to come from the outside, that will "unstick" me. I waited to change, I waited for everyone else to change. I see now that all this waiting is the reason I am stuck.

I tried to break up with Jan not long after we got together. Something in my intuition was telling me it wasn't the right time, or she wasn't the right person, or I wasn't the right person for her. But she pulled me back. I have been trying to break up with her about every three months or so ever since, and in the meantime I have ramped up the stakes all along, by moving in with her, sharing a house and all the responsibilities that entails, bringing us together with the kids to try to make a family and so on, and in the meantime I want out. Every time I get really solid with that decision, she manages to break me down and I stay. So I am waiting now for the right time to tell her and I really think that the only way is for me to start making plans and being absolutely ready.

There is a part of me that is incredibly sad to think that this is going to happen again. There's a part of me that knows that other people are going to be "disappointed" that we are breaking up. There's a part of me that knows that I am going to hurt Jan tremendously by doing this. But none of that makes staying somewhere that is causing me this pain worth it. The pain is emotional, spiritual, and physical. I have been sick the whole time we have been together, and I realize now that it's because I needed something from her that I wasn't getting so I had to create a way to get it. I am manifesting what is missing in our relationship with illness, and I can't do that to my body anymore.

I have to stop waiting for things to change and change them myself.