Ok so after I wrote the post the other day slamming my girlfriend I felt bad about it and by the end of the night I had convinced myself that it was really my parents and not her that I was angry with and that I was being unfairly critical of her. That lasted about a day and now the anger is back. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that the way I feel is the way I feel and that I need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
In the meantime I was in the tub last night thinking about my anger towards my parents...well really I started thinking about a conversation I had just had with my younger daughter in which I felt particularly ineffective as a parent. The problem was that she got herself into a situation that was causing her great stress and by the time she opened up to me about it there wasn't much I could do to help her. So when I pointed that out to her she became even more frustated and began to take her anger at herself out on me. Well, she's thirteen so what would I expect?
So in the tub I got to thinking about it all and how I let my feelings about my parents dictate way too much of my feelings about myself and that maybe I need to shift to focusing on my own kids and my parenting of them in order to get out of the rut. That seemed like a fairly reasonable idea so I think I will go with it. It's not always going to be easy but I think my kids deserve a parent who isn't still stuck in her own emotional adolescence.
Ok, back to my girlfriend. The thing is that every time I am around her or she calls me while I am at work I get this burning pit in my stomach. I dread to see her car pull into the driveway after work. I feel like she is so judgemental and such a reactor and I do not choose that for myself so why do I accept it from her? I am furious with myself for letting this go so long. I feel like I have literally condemmed myself to a life of misery with her because I don't want another break up for me or for my kids. But I FUCKING HATE HER. No, make that I FUCKING HATE MYSELF WHEN I AM AROUND HER. That would be more accurate. I can be having a perfectly nice day and she will call me at work and I feel the stomach pit come on and then it's over, I am angry and bitter and bitchy toward her the rest of the day.
I know she deserves better and so do I. I have tried and tried to turn this around and it doesn't work. I resent her presence in my life and in the kids lives and I wish she would take the fucking hint and just LEAVE. But she won't because, see, she loves me. But what the fuck - if this is her grand version of what being in love is, take it elsewhere I am not interested.
Right now, anyway...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I woke up this morning st around 5:30. Felt OK for a few minutes, then the anxiety started creeping in. Relatively quickly it turned into anger. Bad anger, gut churning anger, if I don't stay angry I am going to cry like a baby anger. About what I am not totally sure. I suspect, though, that is is because my girlfriend is coming home today after staying with a friend's daughter for two nights. I don't have a specific complaint, she didn't do anything to piss me off (well, that's an overstatement, she does things all the time that piss me off), and yet the idea of her being home makes me want to scream and cry and run away.
I am tired of pretending that I want this relationship to work. I am tired of stuffing my feelings all the time when I know it's going to hurt only me in the end. I am tired of living with someone so self righteous, so totally incapable of personal insight, so completely convinced of her own superiority that I want to drag her down into the depths of my own anger and shove it in her fave. Repeatedly and often. I feel like I am so on the edge.
I need to start making plans. I need to stop trying to fake this. I don't love her. I don't even like her. She's rude, overbearing. insecure and an intellectual midget. She sees everything in black and white and can't get her head around the grey. She thinks she the God given authority on parenting yet she's abandoned two kids she's helped to raise. She's a total asshole. And her breath smells like ass.
I have to stop focusing on what I would be giving up if I leave her and concentrate on what I will gain. I will be able to parent my kids the way I want to. I will be able to choose who I spend my time with. I will read all the time and not have her bugging me for attention. I will be able to attend to my own needs on my terms in my way without having to constantly defend myself. I won't have to withhold information because I am afraid of how she will react, even when I know her reaction is ridiculous. I won't have to feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with her.
I want to be in charge of my life again.
I am tired of pretending that I want this relationship to work. I am tired of stuffing my feelings all the time when I know it's going to hurt only me in the end. I am tired of living with someone so self righteous, so totally incapable of personal insight, so completely convinced of her own superiority that I want to drag her down into the depths of my own anger and shove it in her fave. Repeatedly and often. I feel like I am so on the edge.
I need to start making plans. I need to stop trying to fake this. I don't love her. I don't even like her. She's rude, overbearing. insecure and an intellectual midget. She sees everything in black and white and can't get her head around the grey. She thinks she the God given authority on parenting yet she's abandoned two kids she's helped to raise. She's a total asshole. And her breath smells like ass.
I have to stop focusing on what I would be giving up if I leave her and concentrate on what I will gain. I will be able to parent my kids the way I want to. I will be able to choose who I spend my time with. I will read all the time and not have her bugging me for attention. I will be able to attend to my own needs on my terms in my way without having to constantly defend myself. I won't have to withhold information because I am afraid of how she will react, even when I know her reaction is ridiculous. I won't have to feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with her.
I want to be in charge of my life again.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Long Time Coming
OK trying this again...
Seems like every time I start one of these (blogs, that is), I post for about a month and then lose interest. So here we go again? Maybe. I do know that I have been itching to journal lately and that I can't find my journal that is made of actual bound paper on which I write with an actual pen...so this will have to suffice. And, maybe, surpass.
So much to say I don't hardly know where to begin. I started this blog just shy of my 41st birthday and now 42 is less than a month away. How can that be? Not to mention that my cousin who I bounced on my knees at four months recently turned 30. That itself is unbelievable to me. Add that my parents are pushing seventy (well, if pushing starts at 65 anyway) and I am the mother of not one but two teenagers and you have a head that spins sometimes with the craziness of it all. I feel like David Byrne, constantly wanting to say to myself "Well, how did I get here?"
It's a long and winding story and one that will undoubtedly unfold over time, if I manage to not lose interest in telling it again. To try to sum it up in one post would overhwelm so I was thinking I would start with some basics.
Year of my birth: 1966
Place of my birth: Amsterdam, NY
One sibling, a brother, three years older
Where I grew up: Claverack, Cobleskill, Albany before age 6, then Fayetteville NY from age 6 to age 23, Geneva NY for College
Where I have lived for 19 years: Capital Region of New York State, sometimes in Schenectady, sometimes in Albany, very briefly in Clifton Park, now back in Schenectady
That's probably enough for now. Clearly, my horizons in life haven't been very horizon-like. I have done some traveling, but for the most part I have stayed within the confines of New York state. I have a hard time imagining living in another state although the idea of a shorter, less snowy winter is gaining in appeal every year. So as my kids get older and start looking to spread their wings I might be looking to do the same, at least part time. My dream life would be to live somewhere warm during the winter months, maybe South Carolina, and on the Cape in the Summer. Someday, perhaps.
For now though I live and work here in the hub of New York State government. It's an interesting place to be, especially in recent days as our governor, who was elected in a landslide and pretty much proclaimed that he was a superhero, fell so stunningly from grace. Because I work in a state office there was a sense among us that we "owned" this story, we would possibly be effected on a more tangible level than non state workers. We huddled around radios and computers as each shocking detail was revealed. We theorized about how a person could be so stupid, so arrogant, did he want to get caught? What was he thinking? Why do men always think with their dicks? etc....Of course, it's a few weeks later now and we have a new governor, who made a statement almost immediately after taking office about his own extra-marital indiscretions, and the dust has settled. It was a fun distraction while it lasted.
Seems like every time I start one of these (blogs, that is), I post for about a month and then lose interest. So here we go again? Maybe. I do know that I have been itching to journal lately and that I can't find my journal that is made of actual bound paper on which I write with an actual pen...so this will have to suffice. And, maybe, surpass.
So much to say I don't hardly know where to begin. I started this blog just shy of my 41st birthday and now 42 is less than a month away. How can that be? Not to mention that my cousin who I bounced on my knees at four months recently turned 30. That itself is unbelievable to me. Add that my parents are pushing seventy (well, if pushing starts at 65 anyway) and I am the mother of not one but two teenagers and you have a head that spins sometimes with the craziness of it all. I feel like David Byrne, constantly wanting to say to myself "Well, how did I get here?"
It's a long and winding story and one that will undoubtedly unfold over time, if I manage to not lose interest in telling it again. To try to sum it up in one post would overhwelm so I was thinking I would start with some basics.
Year of my birth: 1966
Place of my birth: Amsterdam, NY
One sibling, a brother, three years older
Where I grew up: Claverack, Cobleskill, Albany before age 6, then Fayetteville NY from age 6 to age 23, Geneva NY for College
Where I have lived for 19 years: Capital Region of New York State, sometimes in Schenectady, sometimes in Albany, very briefly in Clifton Park, now back in Schenectady
That's probably enough for now. Clearly, my horizons in life haven't been very horizon-like. I have done some traveling, but for the most part I have stayed within the confines of New York state. I have a hard time imagining living in another state although the idea of a shorter, less snowy winter is gaining in appeal every year. So as my kids get older and start looking to spread their wings I might be looking to do the same, at least part time. My dream life would be to live somewhere warm during the winter months, maybe South Carolina, and on the Cape in the Summer. Someday, perhaps.
For now though I live and work here in the hub of New York State government. It's an interesting place to be, especially in recent days as our governor, who was elected in a landslide and pretty much proclaimed that he was a superhero, fell so stunningly from grace. Because I work in a state office there was a sense among us that we "owned" this story, we would possibly be effected on a more tangible level than non state workers. We huddled around radios and computers as each shocking detail was revealed. We theorized about how a person could be so stupid, so arrogant, did he want to get caught? What was he thinking? Why do men always think with their dicks? etc....Of course, it's a few weeks later now and we have a new governor, who made a statement almost immediately after taking office about his own extra-marital indiscretions, and the dust has settled. It was a fun distraction while it lasted.
Friday, June 22, 2007
God at the toll booth
OK, so I am pretty sure I saw God the other day. In fact, I think he was taking tolls on the Thruway. Why? Because as I pulled up to offer my ticket and money, I would swear he called me by my name. I have never seen this guy in my life. Plus there was something familiar about the way he looked at me. Very strange. I drove away and had chills. Seriously, it freaked me out.
Otherwise, life goes on without much in the way of freaking out. I found out I am deficient in vitamin b12, so that's weird I guess. I have been going for shots the last four weeks, now I wait a month and they check it again. It all started because I was having pins and needles in my hands and burning feet. I thought it was MS. So I am relieved although now I have a higher chance of developing stomach cancer someday. Which wouldn't surprise me considering that I walk around with a pit in my gut just about 24/7. Maybe I am really more anxious than I think...
DD #1 finished eighth grade this week, DD#2 finished 7th. So one in High School come September, which I can't even grasp. DD #1 had the big end of year dance last Saturday after the moving up ceremony. She looked beautiful. She also won a slew of awards, I was very, very proud and humbled and proud of her. DD #2 won something too but didn't go to her awards ceremony so they'll send it in the mail. Now, summer stretches before us...I wish I had their schedule sometimes.
Work is work, boring today (Friday). No one around and not much going on. I might have pissed my boss off by rescheduling a meeting but it would have meant two people who aren't in today coming in and I thought that was kind of suck-ass for them so I did what needed to be done. Now as it turns out my boss won't be here on the day of the meeting. Oh well, three against one, three wins every time. So now she's in a meeting that may or may not last until the time I normally leave, so I want to sneak out but then what if it ends early and I am nowhere to be found? Not cool. So I sit and blog and hope it will make the time go by faster. Not really working so far.
Otherwise, life goes on without much in the way of freaking out. I found out I am deficient in vitamin b12, so that's weird I guess. I have been going for shots the last four weeks, now I wait a month and they check it again. It all started because I was having pins and needles in my hands and burning feet. I thought it was MS. So I am relieved although now I have a higher chance of developing stomach cancer someday. Which wouldn't surprise me considering that I walk around with a pit in my gut just about 24/7. Maybe I am really more anxious than I think...
DD #1 finished eighth grade this week, DD#2 finished 7th. So one in High School come September, which I can't even grasp. DD #1 had the big end of year dance last Saturday after the moving up ceremony. She looked beautiful. She also won a slew of awards, I was very, very proud and humbled and proud of her. DD #2 won something too but didn't go to her awards ceremony so they'll send it in the mail. Now, summer stretches before us...I wish I had their schedule sometimes.
Work is work, boring today (Friday). No one around and not much going on. I might have pissed my boss off by rescheduling a meeting but it would have meant two people who aren't in today coming in and I thought that was kind of suck-ass for them so I did what needed to be done. Now as it turns out my boss won't be here on the day of the meeting. Oh well, three against one, three wins every time. So now she's in a meeting that may or may not last until the time I normally leave, so I want to sneak out but then what if it ends early and I am nowhere to be found? Not cool. So I sit and blog and hope it will make the time go by faster. Not really working so far.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I'm too young to feel this old
S0 the weekend was rotten. I went into a premenstrual funk on Saturday that led to my own deprivation. Jan and I were invited to her sister's for a clam steam and I was so miserable I didn't go...way to shoot myself in the foot once again.
I have been having these weird symptoms lately...tingling hands, burning feet, extreme muscle stiffness after limited exercise. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, she ran some tests which all came back fine...but I am not fine so I go back again in a few days. I seriously feel like I am falling apart. The depression is the worst though, worse now since I stopped Prozac about six months ago - total mistake. So I need to get back on that and try to get the physical stuff under control as well. I feel like the mental fog is getting worse as well, can't articulate my thoughts coherently and just want to put my head down and sleep all day long. I told Jan that I have been feeling suicidal...I know she's worried. I also don't think I could do that to my kids so there it is...
This thing with Rosie O'Donnell also affected me way to strongly. I have been feeling like it's just more proof that women will never be able to speak their minds in this fucked up society without risking losing everything. Now Cindy Sheehan is packing up and giving up too. It all builds up in my brain and makes me feel so hopeless and helpless...nothing will ever get better as long as we have a bunch of criminals running things, and I don't see that changing soon enough to give me any hope for the future.
Then there is this new job I have which is slowly driving me crazy...the office I work in is like a morgue most days, and I feel I am not at all on solid ground yet so that makes my insecurities go through the roof.
I am sure I sound like the biggest whiner in the room, maybe the universe. Tough shit. Everything is shitty right now and that's just the way it is. I am tired of others trying to convince me otherwise...yes I do have days when I have a sense of humor and can see the good...but this ain't one of them.
I have been having these weird symptoms lately...tingling hands, burning feet, extreme muscle stiffness after limited exercise. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, she ran some tests which all came back fine...but I am not fine so I go back again in a few days. I seriously feel like I am falling apart. The depression is the worst though, worse now since I stopped Prozac about six months ago - total mistake. So I need to get back on that and try to get the physical stuff under control as well. I feel like the mental fog is getting worse as well, can't articulate my thoughts coherently and just want to put my head down and sleep all day long. I told Jan that I have been feeling suicidal...I know she's worried. I also don't think I could do that to my kids so there it is...
This thing with Rosie O'Donnell also affected me way to strongly. I have been feeling like it's just more proof that women will never be able to speak their minds in this fucked up society without risking losing everything. Now Cindy Sheehan is packing up and giving up too. It all builds up in my brain and makes me feel so hopeless and helpless...nothing will ever get better as long as we have a bunch of criminals running things, and I don't see that changing soon enough to give me any hope for the future.
Then there is this new job I have which is slowly driving me crazy...the office I work in is like a morgue most days, and I feel I am not at all on solid ground yet so that makes my insecurities go through the roof.
I am sure I sound like the biggest whiner in the room, maybe the universe. Tough shit. Everything is shitty right now and that's just the way it is. I am tired of others trying to convince me otherwise...yes I do have days when I have a sense of humor and can see the good...but this ain't one of them.
Friday, May 4, 2007
A new year, a new day
I'm tired. And I have a bit of a headache. It could be allergies, stress, not enough sleep...who knows.
Anyway last night I went out to eat for my birthday. It was a lot of fun and the food was great. I almost didn't make it, was having a bit of a meltdown trying to get ready. Sometimes I feel so fat! I know I am not what most would consider fat but I need to drop about 25 lbs...have needed to since I had my kids. Sometimes I get on a good roll with exercise and diet, lately though I have just been indulging myself too much and not getting off my ass enough. The problem becomes that I beat myself up over it and that saps any motivation I might have had.
I got some cool gifts - a digital camera being the highlight - from Jan. Also a Roz Chast cartoon book which I wish I was home reading instead of being at work (not working). Also another cartoon book that looks really good. My friends Deb and Jackie gave me these booties that you can either heat up or make cold - I think I am going to be loving them...especially on cold nights. Jan's parents wisely went with a gift card from Borders...I am already itching to spend it! I recently read "welcome to my Country" by Lauren Slater and am working on ""Prozac Diary" (same author) and she has four other books I want to read. I learned of her from Rosie.com and so far I haven't ever been steered wrong by following her recommendations. Whatever people's opinions are of her, I find her to be a kindred spirit. I never watch her on TV, maybe that's why I don't find her obnoxious. I strictly read / watch her blog and I can't miss it for one day! It's a very strange connection.
Anyway last night I went out to eat for my birthday. It was a lot of fun and the food was great. I almost didn't make it, was having a bit of a meltdown trying to get ready. Sometimes I feel so fat! I know I am not what most would consider fat but I need to drop about 25 lbs...have needed to since I had my kids. Sometimes I get on a good roll with exercise and diet, lately though I have just been indulging myself too much and not getting off my ass enough. The problem becomes that I beat myself up over it and that saps any motivation I might have had.
I got some cool gifts - a digital camera being the highlight - from Jan. Also a Roz Chast cartoon book which I wish I was home reading instead of being at work (not working). Also another cartoon book that looks really good. My friends Deb and Jackie gave me these booties that you can either heat up or make cold - I think I am going to be loving them...especially on cold nights. Jan's parents wisely went with a gift card from Borders...I am already itching to spend it! I recently read "welcome to my Country" by Lauren Slater and am working on ""Prozac Diary" (same author) and she has four other books I want to read. I learned of her from Rosie.com and so far I haven't ever been steered wrong by following her recommendations. Whatever people's opinions are of her, I find her to be a kindred spirit. I never watch her on TV, maybe that's why I don't find her obnoxious. I strictly read / watch her blog and I can't miss it for one day! It's a very strange connection.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Today's the day
I AM 41...no more forty and I am so glad. It SUCKED. For some reason being 41 is so much better. I got so hung up on 40 that I couldn't get over it for a WHOLE YEAR. Now I have no choice, because it's over. Done. Fini.
Anyway, I woke up with terrible hearburn. A gift from the birthday Goddess. And my period. That seems to happen every year, since I got it at twelve. Christmas too. Or any major event like a vacation, wedding, you name it. Especially if it's something that requires dressing nice or wearing a bathing suit. Thank gawd I gave up horseback riding all those years ago.
Tonight we're going out to eat with Jan's (gf) parents, sister and her gf and another couple. Jan's Dad and his bitches. It should be fun, Jan's Mom and I have the same birthday (talk about marrying your mother). This weekend we'll be at my parent's. Then the high holy days of my birthday will fade for another year.
The weather has finally started to brighten up. This is my favorite time of year, things are getting green again. I love that color of late April / early May grass and the budding leaves on the trees. It's fleeting but beautiful. I would love to bust out of work and go sit in a park all day. Sometimes I try to soak in all the beauty hang on to it because I know I will need it in February.
Anyway, I woke up with terrible hearburn. A gift from the birthday Goddess. And my period. That seems to happen every year, since I got it at twelve. Christmas too. Or any major event like a vacation, wedding, you name it. Especially if it's something that requires dressing nice or wearing a bathing suit. Thank gawd I gave up horseback riding all those years ago.
Tonight we're going out to eat with Jan's (gf) parents, sister and her gf and another couple. Jan's Dad and his bitches. It should be fun, Jan's Mom and I have the same birthday (talk about marrying your mother). This weekend we'll be at my parent's. Then the high holy days of my birthday will fade for another year.
The weather has finally started to brighten up. This is my favorite time of year, things are getting green again. I love that color of late April / early May grass and the budding leaves on the trees. It's fleeting but beautiful. I would love to bust out of work and go sit in a park all day. Sometimes I try to soak in all the beauty hang on to it because I know I will need it in February.
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