My new journal

So this is a change for me. I have a longhand journal which I periodically write in, but it's not working how I want it to. I tend to write superficially in it, and as though I know someone will read it and judge me for what I say. So I decided to turn the whole thing upside down and write in a place where I know someone (or, maybe no one) will read it and may very well judge what I say...and to not give a shit anyway. I have all these thoughts and feelings that are swirling in my head all the time and I think about how and where I can get them out...then when push comes to shove I write things that are so meaningless that when I read it later I find myself bored by it all.

Which is not to imly any guarantee that this will be any different, hell it may be worse. But at least I am trying.

I turn 41 next week, a week from today in fact. I can say without hesitation that 40 SUCKED and I am not entirely sure 41 won't as well. I am trying to be optimistic and want to let go fot his year from hell but I think more will need to be done for that to happen. There's too much to mention right now about how much I hated turning 40 and why it was so rotten for me. I want, no, need, to do that whole "letting it go" thang but I will do it kicking and screaming all the way. I know that life goes on but it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.

See, the thing is that I have been getting more in touch with my inner brat of late, and it's not making me the best company but it is helping me to stop working under my usual M.O. which is to please everybody else but me. I have heard it told that this means I am growing up. Big deal. Maybe, just maybe, growing up is the most overrated idea in the history of humankind. There's not obvious benefit that I have been able to identify. I will keep looking but in the mantime I would love it to just be left to my own bratty selfish devices, thank you ever so much.

For those who may be curious bout me, you will have to be patient. For those who aren't this won't be a problem.