April Showers

Well here is is April and here I am blogging...amazing! I always hesitate to go back and read past posts because I have such a tendency to change my mind that I sometimes wish I could erase them. But then I realize that there's no need to, I felt that way that day and today I may feel differently. And there's not one thing wrong with that.

What I feel differently about today is yet again the state of my relationship. Had a good session with Mary last night, I am more clear but again feel overwhelmed by all that there will be to do in order to get where I want to be. Jan and I see our couples therapist later this week, I wonder, will I be able to lower the boom? I am so ready...but not ready...Jan must sense it because she tried a couple of times to bait me into a fight last night but I wouldn't play. She can't not know by now that the end is near. But like Mary said I need to go slowly, pick two or three things that I am not willing to compromise on and stick to my guns...she sees where this is headed though and thankfully I am starting to see it and be OK with it as well. Like she said, it won't be popular with everyone but everyone isn't the one who is living this life!

On other fronts, I didn't even get an interview for the position I applied for at PDP which pisses me off indeed. Girls are in California with their Dad for the week, having a blast I am sure. Miss them, hope they are soaking up every minute of it.

Wow I truly suck at this

Oh well, I do what I can, right?

Let me see, what's the latest? Survived the Holidays AND hosting Rachel's Sweet Sixteen Party, two incredible achievements if you ask me. The Holidays were pretty easy to get through, the gilrs make it fun and even though Christmas Eve was a bit of a cluster fuck at least it was over rather quickly.

Rachel's party was a big success, and quite frankly a chance for me to say a backhanded "fuck all y'all" to everyone who, when I came out and left my husband, had the audacity to berate me for what they feared would be the WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THOSE POOR INNOCENT CHILDREN...who have survived, no, thrived, as best as any could given the circumstances. Having my ex-husband, his wife and their three year old son at the party was just the icing on the cake! So yeah, that was a sweet bit of gloating I got to do and I damn well deserved the opportunity to do it.

Now we're in February, the shortest and third least annoying month of the year (after March and November). Jan just had knee surgery and is making a good recovery. We're in counseling which is helping and I continue to see Mary my amazing therapist and that is helping as well. I think maybe I am beginning to feel more hopeful about the relationship, at least less pessimistic. I still crave my alone time and fantasize about being alone full time but not as much as before. There are and will always be things about Jan that drive me batty and I know for certain there will be days I want to run far far away...but they're less frequent and easier for me to manage now that the lines of communication are opening up. I also have to be honest and take responsiblity for treating her like the enemy a lot of the time, something I was taught to do by watching my parents all these years.

We did decide to take advantage of what may be our last chance to go to Mexico, if only it were sooner, we have to get almost all the way through March before the trip but that will be quite an incentive to stay busy and make the time pass more quickly.

I applied for another job at PDP, haven't heard anything although I know from experience that their process is terribly slow. I don't know if I would be a serious contender for the job but I figured I have nothing to lose by throwing my hat in the ring, and a potential 25K annual salary increase to gain so it was a no brainer.

Ok, been a while....

Let's see, what's been happening. Well, my latest obsession, electoral politics, paid off handsomly when Barack Obama was elected on Nov. 4th. Like many, I wept tears of joy, relief, sadness, grief, you name it. I have moved on to obsessively reading everything I can get my hands on that deconstructs both the Obama and McCain campaigns and find myself feeling quite awestruck about the effectiveness of the Obama strategy. They really dug in and focused on the 50 state approach that Dean was promoting and the payoff is rather sweet. And to think that Sarah Palin had the gall to mock community organizing, which appropriately was the undoing of her lofty and utterly outrageous aspirations. Ahhh sweet victory...

Now I am trying to keep my fears for Obama and his family's safety from overcoming my happiness at his election. Watching the 60 minutes interivew the other night, I kept having this sense of excitement coupled with a sense of dread, wondering if it is possible that this man and his family can survive this presidency. I have faith in his protection but the looming anniversary of Kennedy's murder makes me nervous all the same.

In other arenas life goes on much as usual...work remains somewhat unfulfilling and the tone of State government has grown so dour that it feels at times that all is lost. There is so much that the children and families who receive the services our agency oversees need that we are unable to provide or unwilling to figure out how to provide that it makes the effort feel futile. The rising poverty will undoubtedly create a higher demand while the shrinking financial pot will make meeting that demand even more difficult. The impending Holidays are likely to be anything but merry for many.

Home life continues to challenge tremendously. I have reached a point where the choice is clear but the ability to exercise it does not yet exist. I am financially trapped in a relationship I no longer want and feel like there is no end in sight. The future losses that will accompany its end are hard to imagine. This is the result of my own tendency to build my life around another, a tendency which I seem to repeat over and over again...and one I will need to be keenly aware of should I ever consider another romantic entanglement in the future (though that thought seems totally unimaginable at the present moment). For now I live in a house of tension.

My girls, on the other hand, are thriving in spite of it. They are my constant affirmation that I am not completely screwed up, that I do have good instincts as a mother and that although there will surely be tough times ahead, I can honestly say I am raising good people. That is a miracle in itself and one I need to remind myself of almost constantly. The choices that I have made, especially the ones I would like to use to beat myself up, have not caused permanent damage that cannot be ameliorated. There will be resentments and pain, no parent can totally escape that. But in the end I think that the world will be a better place because of my children being in it.

Long time no post

Dang it I just can't get into the groove of this. Plus I vascillate between wanting others to read it and not wanting them too, especially because I vented so strongly in my first feldgling posts about my girl...so it's not like I will be sending her or anyone we know to the blog. Which is a bummer because if Iwant to morph it into something more public or generic I would have to go back and delete those posts. I guess that's doable but then those posts were the truth of those days just like this one is the truth of today. And I still get maniacly pissed at my girl all the time and would probably find myself posting about it in the future...hmmmm just not sure what to do.

In any event much of my attention lately has been on the upcoming election - 3weeks! - and the incredible amount of fucking up being committed by the McCain campaign. I wouldn't ever in a million years vote republican and I have been in Obama's corner for a long time. I think I am quite frankly stunned at what a colossal screw up McCain has shown himself to be as the election approaches. In picking Sarah Palin, the most uniquely unqualified VP candidate in history (sorry Dan Quayle, you've been replaced), in refusing to articulate any policy statements about anything, in inciting racism and fear at rallies and in wandering around like someone who forgot to take their Aracept during a debate. It's as though the universe has stacked the deck so high against McCain that there is no way that he can recvover. It'a about damn time too.

Other than that I have been trying to deal with my anger towards my parents as related to my mother's breast cancer and their usual self absorbed reaction to it. I have anger issues, it seems. Maybe I am more like McCain than I care to admit! I think I am trying to find a way to be OK with being angry. I don't want to become an angry person...but then I realize I am in many ways. So it's hard to strike a balance.

I am also more and more obsessed with wanting to take better care of myself and at the same time realizing that I am a pretty lazy person. I keep thinking that results will motivate me while at the same time not doing anything to create results.

I am so fucking human.

I really mean it this time

OK so I know I said I was going to post more frequently on this blog but I haven't lived up to it. Oh well, what can I say? After some of my first few posts were so laden with anger I felt sort of sheepish to post when I am not angry...but the anger posts are necessary for me, they help me to clarify and figure out what's bugging me and give me a chance to just vent like a maniac. The thing is I am not always like that and I have this problem with the idea that I am a changeable person. I really get stuck sometimes, thinking that if I take a certain position on something there is absolutely no room for changing my mind. I must have picked this notion up as a kid and it's caused me a lot of grief over the years. The funny thing is that I change my external situation all the time, partners, jobs, apartments / houses you name it I am frequently changing something. So then I wonder if that's a way to over compensate for this strange inner belief that the one thing I can't change is my mind. But by making all those other changes I am changing my mind...oh what the fuck it's so complicated isn't it?

Anyway, things are relatively steady right now. As much as I have painted a very negative view of my girlfriend, remember, that was just venting! We're in a better place now than we have been in the past, things seem to be solidifying for us as a couple. I am learning acceptance of her and probably more importantly of myself. I realize that much of the anger I put out there about her is really about my own fears and insecurities. I have been working in therapy to admit them, which is painful enough, but to also try to get rid or minimize them which is excruciating. But it's working and it feels really good.

My kids are on vacation with their stepmother / step grandmother so we're living it up. Partied like rock stars over the weekend and even bought "Rock Band" to back it up. It's a lot harder than I imagined but I am getting the hang of it. I do enjoy the feeling of strapping on that fake guitar and whaling on those fake drums! Maybe I missed my calling...if there is such a thing as a calling to play fake instruments in the comfort of your own living room.

I have been trying to keep up with my reading, news/blogs/mags/books, you name it. It feeds me! Although it does make me nervous at times when I see the nastiness that goes on in blog-land. I am grateful that no one has read this one as far as I know but on the other hand it excites me to imagine it getting read...maybe I will get brave someday and let other people know about it but for now I feel OK with being unknown out there. I do comment once in a while on other blogs, not very often though. I am not sure my fragile ego could take what I see out there if someone really disliked this blog.

Well that's good for today. Hopefully I won't go so long before I make myself do this again...

OK, so I think I am back to square one. I am back in that feeling of wanting to be single again. It's a feeling that comes around for me over and over again, only this time it's different, I feel it not in anger but more as a possibility. Like a promise to myself that I can have what I want and I don't have to sacrifice it anymore.

I have been listening to a book about the law of attraction and it's helping me to see that I am living a life of "don't wants" and that I focus on that way too much. I am stuck in a pattern of negative thought, feeling and energy, all in a vain attempt to figure out what's wrong with me, Jan, my parents, my kids, my boss, you name it. I am finally coming to realize that staying in this emotional pit of anger is holding me back and making me feel stuck (and sick). For the longest time I have waited for a sign, something to come from the outside, that will "unstick" me. I waited to change, I waited for everyone else to change. I see now that all this waiting is the reason I am stuck.

I tried to break up with Jan not long after we got together. Something in my intuition was telling me it wasn't the right time, or she wasn't the right person, or I wasn't the right person for her. But she pulled me back. I have been trying to break up with her about every three months or so ever since, and in the meantime I have ramped up the stakes all along, by moving in with her, sharing a house and all the responsibilities that entails, bringing us together with the kids to try to make a family and so on, and in the meantime I want out. Every time I get really solid with that decision, she manages to break me down and I stay. So I am waiting now for the right time to tell her and I really think that the only way is for me to start making plans and being absolutely ready.

There is a part of me that is incredibly sad to think that this is going to happen again. There's a part of me that knows that other people are going to be "disappointed" that we are breaking up. There's a part of me that knows that I am going to hurt Jan tremendously by doing this. But none of that makes staying somewhere that is causing me this pain worth it. The pain is emotional, spiritual, and physical. I have been sick the whole time we have been together, and I realize now that it's because I needed something from her that I wasn't getting so I had to create a way to get it. I am manifesting what is missing in our relationship with illness, and I can't do that to my body anymore.

I have to stop waiting for things to change and change them myself.

An open letter to my father:

I am told I need to write this to you even though I am resisting doing it. I feel that by taking the time to write it I am giving something up, my time, my energy, my pride, you name it.

Whatever the case I am going to try to write down some thoughts about being in St Croix with you this Spring. Mainly about how your seeming inability to censor yourself causes pain for me. You are constantly describing women in sexual terms, young girls too. Girls the same age as your granddaughters. It reminds me of when I was their age and I was constantly worried about my breast size and whether or not I would ever "measure up", a fear that led me into too many scary and painful sexual situations (the biggie being the time I gave you the chance to grant me approval). I realize I was desperate to prove that I could be wanted with my little A cup body, and it made me have a totally distorted understanding of what power is. I though I was powerful because I could attract sex, that I was in control when I gave it away so easily, that I would be truly appreciated once I showed ho "good" I was at it.

Some days I even question whether or not identifying as gay was a swing of the pendulum in the other direction, a way to throw all that sexualization of me by you in your face. It's like I needed to take myself out of the running for your sick thoughts, but I probably just fueled them on a whole new level. Now I have to worry about bringing my friends around because I am sure it is so utterly titillating for you.

So now almost 12 years since I came out, after a marriage, two failed relationships, and one that I question daily, I am trying to figure out if any decision I have made about relationships has been about what I want. I find I am almost totally incapable of trusting myself to know what that is. I can't settle down, I can't be happy where I am, I crave aloneness so that I don't have to trust another person because I don't trust myself. I am on a see-saw of emotion every day, wanting to embrace my life and relationship with Jan one minute and wanting to reject and abandon it the next. I never get through one singe day without it being a tug of war between those two extremes.

I believe that it was the schizophrenic nature of my childhood that causes this blocking for me. On one hand you extol the virtues of feminism and on the other you are all about tits and ass. You try to come off as the sensitive enlightened guy and yet you speak to my mother like she's incompetent, useless, not sexy and weak. You expect everyone to bend to your will and you act like a spoiled two year old when you don't get your way. You aren't willing to do anything for yourself and you're killing yourself with alcohol.

All of this makes me reluctant to bring Rachel and Sarah around because you have no impulse control. They are aware of it and thankfully they see it as something wrong with you and not with them. This is why the girls will not be spending the summer with you and Mom. It's not about them wanting to work locally, it's about me not wanting to worry about what you're going to do or say that will cross the line. It's about not wanting them to have porn sites featuring girls as young looking as them pop up on your computer. It's about how much you drink and that you drive when you're drinking. It's about the way you talk to Mom and belittle her and think it's perfectly acceptable.

Ok so after I wrote the post the other day slamming my girlfriend I felt bad about it and by the end of the night I had convinced myself that it was really my parents and not her that I was angry with and that I was being unfairly critical of her. That lasted about a day and now the anger is back. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that the way I feel is the way I feel and that I need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

In the meantime I was in the tub last night thinking about my anger towards my parents...well really I started thinking about a conversation I had just had with my younger daughter in which I felt particularly ineffective as a parent. The problem was that she got herself into a situation that was causing her great stress and by the time she opened up to me about it there wasn't much I could do to help her. So when I pointed that out to her she became even more frustated and began to take her anger at herself out on me. Well, she's thirteen so what would I expect?

So in the tub I got to thinking about it all and how I let my feelings about my parents dictate way too much of my feelings about myself and that maybe I need to shift to focusing on my own kids and my parenting of them in order to get out of the rut. That seemed like a fairly reasonable idea so I think I will go with it. It's not always going to be easy but I think my kids deserve a parent who isn't still stuck in her own emotional adolescence.

Ok, back to my girlfriend. The thing is that every time I am around her or she calls me while I am at work I get this burning pit in my stomach. I dread to see her car pull into the driveway after work. I feel like she is so judgemental and such a reactor and I do not choose that for myself so why do I accept it from her? I am furious with myself for letting this go so long. I feel like I have literally condemmed myself to a life of misery with her because I don't want another break up for me or for my kids. But I FUCKING HATE HER. No, make that I FUCKING HATE MYSELF WHEN I AM AROUND HER. That would be more accurate. I can be having a perfectly nice day and she will call me at work and I feel the stomach pit come on and then it's over, I am angry and bitter and bitchy toward her the rest of the day.

I know she deserves better and so do I. I have tried and tried to turn this around and it doesn't work. I resent her presence in my life and in the kids lives and I wish she would take the fucking hint and just LEAVE. But she won't because, see, she loves me. But what the fuck - if this is her grand version of what being in love is, take it elsewhere I am not interested.

Right now, anyway...

I woke up this morning st around 5:30. Felt OK for a few minutes, then the anxiety started creeping in. Relatively quickly it turned into anger. Bad anger, gut churning anger, if I don't stay angry I am going to cry like a baby anger. About what I am not totally sure. I suspect, though, that is is because my girlfriend is coming home today after staying with a friend's daughter for two nights. I don't have a specific complaint, she didn't do anything to piss me off (well, that's an overstatement, she does things all the time that piss me off), and yet the idea of her being home makes me want to scream and cry and run away.

I am tired of pretending that I want this relationship to work. I am tired of stuffing my feelings all the time when I know it's going to hurt only me in the end. I am tired of living with someone so self righteous, so totally incapable of personal insight, so completely convinced of her own superiority that I want to drag her down into the depths of my own anger and shove it in her fave. Repeatedly and often. I feel like I am so on the edge.

I need to start making plans. I need to stop trying to fake this. I don't love her. I don't even like her. She's rude, overbearing. insecure and an intellectual midget. She sees everything in black and white and can't get her head around the grey. She thinks she the God given authority on parenting yet she's abandoned two kids she's helped to raise. She's a total asshole. And her breath smells like ass.

I have to stop focusing on what I would be giving up if I leave her and concentrate on what I will gain. I will be able to parent my kids the way I want to. I will be able to choose who I spend my time with. I will read all the time and not have her bugging me for attention. I will be able to attend to my own needs on my terms in my way without having to constantly defend myself. I won't have to withhold information because I am afraid of how she will react, even when I know her reaction is ridiculous. I won't have to feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with her.

I want to be in charge of my life again.

Long Time Coming

OK trying this again...

Seems like every time I start one of these (blogs, that is), I post for about a month and then lose interest. So here we go again? Maybe. I do know that I have been itching to journal lately and that I can't find my journal that is made of actual bound paper on which I write with an actual pen...so this will have to suffice. And, maybe, surpass.

So much to say I don't hardly know where to begin. I started this blog just shy of my 41st birthday and now 42 is less than a month away. How can that be? Not to mention that my cousin who I bounced on my knees at four months recently turned 30. That itself is unbelievable to me. Add that my parents are pushing seventy (well, if pushing starts at 65 anyway) and I am the mother of not one but two teenagers and you have a head that spins sometimes with the craziness of it all. I feel like David Byrne, constantly wanting to say to myself "Well, how did I get here?"

It's a long and winding story and one that will undoubtedly unfold over time, if I manage to not lose interest in telling it again. To try to sum it up in one post would overhwelm so I was thinking I would start with some basics.

Year of my birth: 1966
Place of my birth: Amsterdam, NY
One sibling, a brother, three years older
Where I grew up: Claverack, Cobleskill, Albany before age 6, then Fayetteville NY from age 6 to age 23, Geneva NY for College
Where I have lived for 19 years: Capital Region of New York State, sometimes in Schenectady, sometimes in Albany, very briefly in Clifton Park, now back in Schenectady

That's probably enough for now. Clearly, my horizons in life haven't been very horizon-like. I have done some traveling, but for the most part I have stayed within the confines of New York state. I have a hard time imagining living in another state although the idea of a shorter, less snowy winter is gaining in appeal every year. So as my kids get older and start looking to spread their wings I might be looking to do the same, at least part time. My dream life would be to live somewhere warm during the winter months, maybe South Carolina, and on the Cape in the Summer. Someday, perhaps.

For now though I live and work here in the hub of New York State government. It's an interesting place to be, especially in recent days as our governor, who was elected in a landslide and pretty much proclaimed that he was a superhero, fell so stunningly from grace. Because I work in a state office there was a sense among us that we "owned" this story, we would possibly be effected on a more tangible level than non state workers. We huddled around radios and computers as each shocking detail was revealed. We theorized about how a person could be so stupid, so arrogant, did he want to get caught? What was he thinking? Why do men always think with their dicks? etc....Of course, it's a few weeks later now and we have a new governor, who made a statement almost immediately after taking office about his own extra-marital indiscretions, and the dust has settled. It was a fun distraction while it lasted.

God at the toll booth

OK, so I am pretty sure I saw God the other day. In fact, I think he was taking tolls on the Thruway. Why? Because as I pulled up to offer my ticket and money, I would swear he called me by my name. I have never seen this guy in my life. Plus there was something familiar about the way he looked at me. Very strange. I drove away and had chills. Seriously, it freaked me out.

Otherwise, life goes on without much in the way of freaking out. I found out I am deficient in vitamin b12, so that's weird I guess. I have been going for shots the last four weeks, now I wait a month and they check it again. It all started because I was having pins and needles in my hands and burning feet. I thought it was MS. So I am relieved although now I have a higher chance of developing stomach cancer someday. Which wouldn't surprise me considering that I walk around with a pit in my gut just about 24/7. Maybe I am really more anxious than I think...

DD #1 finished eighth grade this week, DD#2 finished 7th. So one in High School come September, which I can't even grasp. DD #1 had the big end of year dance last Saturday after the moving up ceremony. She looked beautiful. She also won a slew of awards, I was very, very proud and humbled and proud of her. DD #2 won something too but didn't go to her awards ceremony so they'll send it in the mail. Now, summer stretches before us...I wish I had their schedule sometimes.

Work is work, boring today (Friday). No one around and not much going on. I might have pissed my boss off by rescheduling a meeting but it would have meant two people who aren't in today coming in and I thought that was kind of suck-ass for them so I did what needed to be done. Now as it turns out my boss won't be here on the day of the meeting. Oh well, three against one, three wins every time. So now she's in a meeting that may or may not last until the time I normally leave, so I want to sneak out but then what if it ends early and I am nowhere to be found? Not cool. So I sit and blog and hope it will make the time go by faster. Not really working so far.

I'm too young to feel this old

S0 the weekend was rotten. I went into a premenstrual funk on Saturday that led to my own deprivation. Jan and I were invited to her sister's for a clam steam and I was so miserable I didn't go...way to shoot myself in the foot once again.

I have been having these weird symptoms lately...tingling hands, burning feet, extreme muscle stiffness after limited exercise. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, she ran some tests which all came back fine...but I am not fine so I go back again in a few days. I seriously feel like I am falling apart. The depression is the worst though, worse now since I stopped Prozac about six months ago - total mistake. So I need to get back on that and try to get the physical stuff under control as well. I feel like the mental fog is getting worse as well, can't articulate my thoughts coherently and just want to put my head down and sleep all day long. I told Jan that I have been feeling suicidal...I know she's worried. I also don't think I could do that to my kids so there it is...

This thing with Rosie O'Donnell also affected me way to strongly. I have been feeling like it's just more proof that women will never be able to speak their minds in this fucked up society without risking losing everything. Now Cindy Sheehan is packing up and giving up too. It all builds up in my brain and makes me feel so hopeless and helpless...nothing will ever get better as long as we have a bunch of criminals running things, and I don't see that changing soon enough to give me any hope for the future.

Then there is this new job I have which is slowly driving me crazy...the office I work in is like a morgue most days, and I feel I am not at all on solid ground yet so that makes my insecurities go through the roof.

I am sure I sound like the biggest whiner in the room, maybe the universe. Tough shit. Everything is shitty right now and that's just the way it is. I am tired of others trying to convince me otherwise...yes I do have days when I have a sense of humor and can see the good...but this ain't one of them.

A new year, a new day

I'm tired. And I have a bit of a headache. It could be allergies, stress, not enough sleep...who knows.

Anyway last night I went out to eat for my birthday. It was a lot of fun and the food was great. I almost didn't make it, was having a bit of a meltdown trying to get ready. Sometimes I feel so fat! I know I am not what most would consider fat but I need to drop about 25 lbs...have needed to since I had my kids. Sometimes I get on a good roll with exercise and diet, lately though I have just been indulging myself too much and not getting off my ass enough. The problem becomes that I beat myself up over it and that saps any motivation I might have had.

I got some cool gifts - a digital camera being the highlight - from Jan. Also a Roz Chast cartoon book which I wish I was home reading instead of being at work (not working). Also another cartoon book that looks really good. My friends Deb and Jackie gave me these booties that you can either heat up or make cold - I think I am going to be loving them...especially on cold nights. Jan's parents wisely went with a gift card from Borders...I am already itching to spend it! I recently read "welcome to my Country" by Lauren Slater and am working on ""Prozac Diary" (same author) and she has four other books I want to read. I learned of her from Rosie.com and so far I haven't ever been steered wrong by following her recommendations. Whatever people's opinions are of her, I find her to be a kindred spirit. I never watch her on TV, maybe that's why I don't find her obnoxious. I strictly read / watch her blog and I can't miss it for one day! It's a very strange connection.

Today's the day

I AM 41...no more forty and I am so glad. It SUCKED. For some reason being 41 is so much better. I got so hung up on 40 that I couldn't get over it for a WHOLE YEAR. Now I have no choice, because it's over. Done. Fini.

Anyway, I woke up with terrible hearburn. A gift from the birthday Goddess. And my period. That seems to happen every year, since I got it at twelve. Christmas too. Or any major event like a vacation, wedding, you name it. Especially if it's something that requires dressing nice or wearing a bathing suit. Thank gawd I gave up horseback riding all those years ago.

Tonight we're going out to eat with Jan's (gf) parents, sister and her gf and another couple. Jan's Dad and his bitches. It should be fun, Jan's Mom and I have the same birthday (talk about marrying your mother). This weekend we'll be at my parent's. Then the high holy days of my birthday will fade for another year.

The weather has finally started to brighten up. This is my favorite time of year, things are getting green again. I love that color of late April / early May grass and the budding leaves on the trees. It's fleeting but beautiful. I would love to bust out of work and go sit in a park all day. Sometimes I try to soak in all the beauty hang on to it because I know I will need it in February.

This is hard

Sometimes it all seems too fucking hard. Parenting two hormonal teenage girls, trying to have a relationship, a job, a house, a family, friends, cats and get the g-d breakfast dishes done...I think I am going to break apart some days.

Trying to put some limits on my girls, they are trying just as hard to become independent. Said to my partner last night I feel like I am in a five year race until the younger one is 18 and all I want is to get to the fininsh line...Meantime she is like a bull in a china shop, trying to assert HER authority over them, and me I think. I need to let her go, it ain't working and hasn't been and never will...what a relief that will be when the day finally comes. Need to stop baning my head against a wall to save something that isn't worth saving.

41 almost a week away (was it wrong of me to call the blog 41 and counting prematurely? oh who the hell cares). Maybe I will get my freedom for my birthday. There's an idea, if my partner says what do I want I will tell her a three bedroom apartment with an unlisted phone number. Love it!

Work...now that's another topic all together. Three months into a job and not feeling like I fit at all. Think I did so well to get the damn job and now I am lost. Trying to become a third member of a long standing team of two so I know I have to show some patience and deference. Just feel like I am not making a meaningful contribution. Patience, I need patience.

Like I said, sometimes it all seems too fucking hard.

Monday Monday

OK so now most of the burnt hair is gone, a good thing. Just one more cut should get rid of the rest.

The weekend...we had some fantastic weather here in the Northeastern U.S. All sun, nice breeze, got to wear shorts and sandals. Not too shabby. And I am glad it happened toward the end of April because it won't seem like so long before it gets nice like that regularly. Sometimes when you have those freakishly warm days in March or early April it makes summer seem to take forever to set in. I got to rake the back yard which I love to do, it's a ritual, a rite of spring. All the trees and plants started to wake up this weekend too, and as much as I love that my allergies seem to be kicking in pretty hard. Worth it though for the beauty of it.

Spent Saturday night at my friend Jackie's 30th birthday party. Made me feel ancient. It was fun, I drank too much, paid for it yesterday. My solution though to most hangovers is to keep moving and doing stuff. The more sedentary I am the worse I feel. Janet (partner) and I bought a new grill and used it last night - what a treat to smell the chicken cooking.

Still feeling a little down since the VA tech shooting and the fallout from that. Also completely frustrated and disgusted with our corrupt government, sometimes it overwhelmes. I see the anger all around me too, it astonished me when people seem confused by it or can't grasp its origins. The feeling of powerlessness has gotten so ingrained that it seems like radical acts (like shooting 32 people) are the only way to break through anymore. Writing letters, marching, even voting carry so little influence that it seems pointless.

So where to find the good? Not an easy answer some days. Keep moving. Keep pressing. Keep talking, singing, writing, reading...

Burnt Hair

A while ago a burned a section of my hair. Not entirely sure how I did it. So then I got it cut but there is still a section that is totally fried. So here's the thing, I am really really bothered by it. Way more than I should be. I have had days where I thought I was going to lose my mind because of my fried hair. It won't style, it just lays on my head and has no evidence of health. And the rest of my hair is pretty nice, I must say. So having this patch of bad hair is just so unacceptable to me.

I am getting it cut off later, in the belief that when I do I will be a happier person. How fucked up is that?

I wish I didn't place so much importance on something so trivial. I wish I didn't constantly compare my looks, clothes, car etc with others. I almost always think I come up short. I am too fat, too old, too unremarkable, too invisible when compared to everyone else. I try to use all the tricks like positive self talk and such to convince myself that I am not on a lower rung all the time. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. In the meantime though I am the only one I see around me with a big old patch of hay hanging on my head.

My new journal

So this is a change for me. I have a longhand journal which I periodically write in, but it's not working how I want it to. I tend to write superficially in it, and as though I know someone will read it and judge me for what I say. So I decided to turn the whole thing upside down and write in a place where I know someone (or, maybe no one) will read it and may very well judge what I say...and to not give a shit anyway. I have all these thoughts and feelings that are swirling in my head all the time and I think about how and where I can get them out...then when push comes to shove I write things that are so meaningless that when I read it later I find myself bored by it all.

Which is not to imly any guarantee that this will be any different, hell it may be worse. But at least I am trying.

I turn 41 next week, a week from today in fact. I can say without hesitation that 40 SUCKED and I am not entirely sure 41 won't as well. I am trying to be optimistic and want to let go fot his year from hell but I think more will need to be done for that to happen. There's too much to mention right now about how much I hated turning 40 and why it was so rotten for me. I want, no, need, to do that whole "letting it go" thang but I will do it kicking and screaming all the way. I know that life goes on but it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.

See, the thing is that I have been getting more in touch with my inner brat of late, and it's not making me the best company but it is helping me to stop working under my usual M.O. which is to please everybody else but me. I have heard it told that this means I am growing up. Big deal. Maybe, just maybe, growing up is the most overrated idea in the history of humankind. There's not obvious benefit that I have been able to identify. I will keep looking but in the mantime I would love it to just be left to my own bratty selfish devices, thank you ever so much.

For those who may be curious bout me, you will have to be patient. For those who aren't this won't be a problem.