God at the toll booth

OK, so I am pretty sure I saw God the other day. In fact, I think he was taking tolls on the Thruway. Why? Because as I pulled up to offer my ticket and money, I would swear he called me by my name. I have never seen this guy in my life. Plus there was something familiar about the way he looked at me. Very strange. I drove away and had chills. Seriously, it freaked me out.

Otherwise, life goes on without much in the way of freaking out. I found out I am deficient in vitamin b12, so that's weird I guess. I have been going for shots the last four weeks, now I wait a month and they check it again. It all started because I was having pins and needles in my hands and burning feet. I thought it was MS. So I am relieved although now I have a higher chance of developing stomach cancer someday. Which wouldn't surprise me considering that I walk around with a pit in my gut just about 24/7. Maybe I am really more anxious than I think...

DD #1 finished eighth grade this week, DD#2 finished 7th. So one in High School come September, which I can't even grasp. DD #1 had the big end of year dance last Saturday after the moving up ceremony. She looked beautiful. She also won a slew of awards, I was very, very proud and humbled and proud of her. DD #2 won something too but didn't go to her awards ceremony so they'll send it in the mail. Now, summer stretches before us...I wish I had their schedule sometimes.

Work is work, boring today (Friday). No one around and not much going on. I might have pissed my boss off by rescheduling a meeting but it would have meant two people who aren't in today coming in and I thought that was kind of suck-ass for them so I did what needed to be done. Now as it turns out my boss won't be here on the day of the meeting. Oh well, three against one, three wins every time. So now she's in a meeting that may or may not last until the time I normally leave, so I want to sneak out but then what if it ends early and I am nowhere to be found? Not cool. So I sit and blog and hope it will make the time go by faster. Not really working so far.

I'm too young to feel this old

S0 the weekend was rotten. I went into a premenstrual funk on Saturday that led to my own deprivation. Jan and I were invited to her sister's for a clam steam and I was so miserable I didn't go...way to shoot myself in the foot once again.

I have been having these weird symptoms lately...tingling hands, burning feet, extreme muscle stiffness after limited exercise. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, she ran some tests which all came back fine...but I am not fine so I go back again in a few days. I seriously feel like I am falling apart. The depression is the worst though, worse now since I stopped Prozac about six months ago - total mistake. So I need to get back on that and try to get the physical stuff under control as well. I feel like the mental fog is getting worse as well, can't articulate my thoughts coherently and just want to put my head down and sleep all day long. I told Jan that I have been feeling suicidal...I know she's worried. I also don't think I could do that to my kids so there it is...

This thing with Rosie O'Donnell also affected me way to strongly. I have been feeling like it's just more proof that women will never be able to speak their minds in this fucked up society without risking losing everything. Now Cindy Sheehan is packing up and giving up too. It all builds up in my brain and makes me feel so hopeless and helpless...nothing will ever get better as long as we have a bunch of criminals running things, and I don't see that changing soon enough to give me any hope for the future.

Then there is this new job I have which is slowly driving me crazy...the office I work in is like a morgue most days, and I feel I am not at all on solid ground yet so that makes my insecurities go through the roof.

I am sure I sound like the biggest whiner in the room, maybe the universe. Tough shit. Everything is shitty right now and that's just the way it is. I am tired of others trying to convince me otherwise...yes I do have days when I have a sense of humor and can see the good...but this ain't one of them.

A new year, a new day

I'm tired. And I have a bit of a headache. It could be allergies, stress, not enough sleep...who knows.

Anyway last night I went out to eat for my birthday. It was a lot of fun and the food was great. I almost didn't make it, was having a bit of a meltdown trying to get ready. Sometimes I feel so fat! I know I am not what most would consider fat but I need to drop about 25 lbs...have needed to since I had my kids. Sometimes I get on a good roll with exercise and diet, lately though I have just been indulging myself too much and not getting off my ass enough. The problem becomes that I beat myself up over it and that saps any motivation I might have had.

I got some cool gifts - a digital camera being the highlight - from Jan. Also a Roz Chast cartoon book which I wish I was home reading instead of being at work (not working). Also another cartoon book that looks really good. My friends Deb and Jackie gave me these booties that you can either heat up or make cold - I think I am going to be loving them...especially on cold nights. Jan's parents wisely went with a gift card from Borders...I am already itching to spend it! I recently read "welcome to my Country" by Lauren Slater and am working on ""Prozac Diary" (same author) and she has four other books I want to read. I learned of her from Rosie.com and so far I haven't ever been steered wrong by following her recommendations. Whatever people's opinions are of her, I find her to be a kindred spirit. I never watch her on TV, maybe that's why I don't find her obnoxious. I strictly read / watch her blog and I can't miss it for one day! It's a very strange connection.

Today's the day

I AM 41...no more forty and I am so glad. It SUCKED. For some reason being 41 is so much better. I got so hung up on 40 that I couldn't get over it for a WHOLE YEAR. Now I have no choice, because it's over. Done. Fini.

Anyway, I woke up with terrible hearburn. A gift from the birthday Goddess. And my period. That seems to happen every year, since I got it at twelve. Christmas too. Or any major event like a vacation, wedding, you name it. Especially if it's something that requires dressing nice or wearing a bathing suit. Thank gawd I gave up horseback riding all those years ago.

Tonight we're going out to eat with Jan's (gf) parents, sister and her gf and another couple. Jan's Dad and his bitches. It should be fun, Jan's Mom and I have the same birthday (talk about marrying your mother). This weekend we'll be at my parent's. Then the high holy days of my birthday will fade for another year.

The weather has finally started to brighten up. This is my favorite time of year, things are getting green again. I love that color of late April / early May grass and the budding leaves on the trees. It's fleeting but beautiful. I would love to bust out of work and go sit in a park all day. Sometimes I try to soak in all the beauty hang on to it because I know I will need it in February.

This is hard

Sometimes it all seems too fucking hard. Parenting two hormonal teenage girls, trying to have a relationship, a job, a house, a family, friends, cats and get the g-d breakfast dishes done...I think I am going to break apart some days.

Trying to put some limits on my girls, they are trying just as hard to become independent. Said to my partner last night I feel like I am in a five year race until the younger one is 18 and all I want is to get to the fininsh line...Meantime she is like a bull in a china shop, trying to assert HER authority over them, and me I think. I need to let her go, it ain't working and hasn't been and never will...what a relief that will be when the day finally comes. Need to stop baning my head against a wall to save something that isn't worth saving.

41 almost a week away (was it wrong of me to call the blog 41 and counting prematurely? oh who the hell cares). Maybe I will get my freedom for my birthday. There's an idea, if my partner says what do I want I will tell her a three bedroom apartment with an unlisted phone number. Love it!

Work...now that's another topic all together. Three months into a job and not feeling like I fit at all. Think I did so well to get the damn job and now I am lost. Trying to become a third member of a long standing team of two so I know I have to show some patience and deference. Just feel like I am not making a meaningful contribution. Patience, I need patience.

Like I said, sometimes it all seems too fucking hard.

Monday Monday

OK so now most of the burnt hair is gone, a good thing. Just one more cut should get rid of the rest.

The weekend...we had some fantastic weather here in the Northeastern U.S. All sun, nice breeze, got to wear shorts and sandals. Not too shabby. And I am glad it happened toward the end of April because it won't seem like so long before it gets nice like that regularly. Sometimes when you have those freakishly warm days in March or early April it makes summer seem to take forever to set in. I got to rake the back yard which I love to do, it's a ritual, a rite of spring. All the trees and plants started to wake up this weekend too, and as much as I love that my allergies seem to be kicking in pretty hard. Worth it though for the beauty of it.

Spent Saturday night at my friend Jackie's 30th birthday party. Made me feel ancient. It was fun, I drank too much, paid for it yesterday. My solution though to most hangovers is to keep moving and doing stuff. The more sedentary I am the worse I feel. Janet (partner) and I bought a new grill and used it last night - what a treat to smell the chicken cooking.

Still feeling a little down since the VA tech shooting and the fallout from that. Also completely frustrated and disgusted with our corrupt government, sometimes it overwhelmes. I see the anger all around me too, it astonished me when people seem confused by it or can't grasp its origins. The feeling of powerlessness has gotten so ingrained that it seems like radical acts (like shooting 32 people) are the only way to break through anymore. Writing letters, marching, even voting carry so little influence that it seems pointless.

So where to find the good? Not an easy answer some days. Keep moving. Keep pressing. Keep talking, singing, writing, reading...

Burnt Hair

A while ago a burned a section of my hair. Not entirely sure how I did it. So then I got it cut but there is still a section that is totally fried. So here's the thing, I am really really bothered by it. Way more than I should be. I have had days where I thought I was going to lose my mind because of my fried hair. It won't style, it just lays on my head and has no evidence of health. And the rest of my hair is pretty nice, I must say. So having this patch of bad hair is just so unacceptable to me.

I am getting it cut off later, in the belief that when I do I will be a happier person. How fucked up is that?

I wish I didn't place so much importance on something so trivial. I wish I didn't constantly compare my looks, clothes, car etc with others. I almost always think I come up short. I am too fat, too old, too unremarkable, too invisible when compared to everyone else. I try to use all the tricks like positive self talk and such to convince myself that I am not on a lower rung all the time. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. In the meantime though I am the only one I see around me with a big old patch of hay hanging on my head.

My new journal

So this is a change for me. I have a longhand journal which I periodically write in, but it's not working how I want it to. I tend to write superficially in it, and as though I know someone will read it and judge me for what I say. So I decided to turn the whole thing upside down and write in a place where I know someone (or, maybe no one) will read it and may very well judge what I say...and to not give a shit anyway. I have all these thoughts and feelings that are swirling in my head all the time and I think about how and where I can get them out...then when push comes to shove I write things that are so meaningless that when I read it later I find myself bored by it all.

Which is not to imly any guarantee that this will be any different, hell it may be worse. But at least I am trying.

I turn 41 next week, a week from today in fact. I can say without hesitation that 40 SUCKED and I am not entirely sure 41 won't as well. I am trying to be optimistic and want to let go fot his year from hell but I think more will need to be done for that to happen. There's too much to mention right now about how much I hated turning 40 and why it was so rotten for me. I want, no, need, to do that whole "letting it go" thang but I will do it kicking and screaming all the way. I know that life goes on but it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.

See, the thing is that I have been getting more in touch with my inner brat of late, and it's not making me the best company but it is helping me to stop working under my usual M.O. which is to please everybody else but me. I have heard it told that this means I am growing up. Big deal. Maybe, just maybe, growing up is the most overrated idea in the history of humankind. There's not obvious benefit that I have been able to identify. I will keep looking but in the mantime I would love it to just be left to my own bratty selfish devices, thank you ever so much.

For those who may be curious bout me, you will have to be patient. For those who aren't this won't be a problem.