Sometimes it all seems too fucking hard. Parenting two hormonal teenage girls, trying to have a relationship, a job, a house, a family, friends, cats and get the g-d breakfast dishes done...I think I am going to break apart some days.
Trying to put some limits on my girls, they are trying just as hard to become independent. Said to my partner last night I feel like I am in a five year race until the younger one is 18 and all I want is to get to the fininsh line...Meantime she is like a bull in a china shop, trying to assert HER authority over them, and me I think. I need to let her go, it ain't working and hasn't been and never will...what a relief that will be when the day finally comes. Need to stop baning my head against a wall to save something that isn't worth saving.
41 almost a week away (was it wrong of me to call the blog 41 and counting prematurely? oh who the hell cares). Maybe I will get my freedom for my birthday. There's an idea, if my partner says what do I want I will tell her a three bedroom apartment with an unlisted phone number. Love it!
Work...now that's another topic all together. Three months into a job and not feeling like I fit at all. Think I did so well to get the damn job and now I am lost. Trying to become a third member of a long standing team of two so I know I have to show some patience and deference. Just feel like I am not making a meaningful contribution. Patience, I need patience.
Like I said, sometimes it all seems too fucking hard.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Monday Monday
OK so now most of the burnt hair is gone, a good thing. Just one more cut should get rid of the rest.
The weekend...we had some fantastic weather here in the Northeastern U.S. All sun, nice breeze, got to wear shorts and sandals. Not too shabby. And I am glad it happened toward the end of April because it won't seem like so long before it gets nice like that regularly. Sometimes when you have those freakishly warm days in March or early April it makes summer seem to take forever to set in. I got to rake the back yard which I love to do, it's a ritual, a rite of spring. All the trees and plants started to wake up this weekend too, and as much as I love that my allergies seem to be kicking in pretty hard. Worth it though for the beauty of it.
Spent Saturday night at my friend Jackie's 30th birthday party. Made me feel ancient. It was fun, I drank too much, paid for it yesterday. My solution though to most hangovers is to keep moving and doing stuff. The more sedentary I am the worse I feel. Janet (partner) and I bought a new grill and used it last night - what a treat to smell the chicken cooking.
Still feeling a little down since the VA tech shooting and the fallout from that. Also completely frustrated and disgusted with our corrupt government, sometimes it overwhelmes. I see the anger all around me too, it astonished me when people seem confused by it or can't grasp its origins. The feeling of powerlessness has gotten so ingrained that it seems like radical acts (like shooting 32 people) are the only way to break through anymore. Writing letters, marching, even voting carry so little influence that it seems pointless.
So where to find the good? Not an easy answer some days. Keep moving. Keep pressing. Keep talking, singing, writing, reading...
The weekend...we had some fantastic weather here in the Northeastern U.S. All sun, nice breeze, got to wear shorts and sandals. Not too shabby. And I am glad it happened toward the end of April because it won't seem like so long before it gets nice like that regularly. Sometimes when you have those freakishly warm days in March or early April it makes summer seem to take forever to set in. I got to rake the back yard which I love to do, it's a ritual, a rite of spring. All the trees and plants started to wake up this weekend too, and as much as I love that my allergies seem to be kicking in pretty hard. Worth it though for the beauty of it.
Spent Saturday night at my friend Jackie's 30th birthday party. Made me feel ancient. It was fun, I drank too much, paid for it yesterday. My solution though to most hangovers is to keep moving and doing stuff. The more sedentary I am the worse I feel. Janet (partner) and I bought a new grill and used it last night - what a treat to smell the chicken cooking.
Still feeling a little down since the VA tech shooting and the fallout from that. Also completely frustrated and disgusted with our corrupt government, sometimes it overwhelmes. I see the anger all around me too, it astonished me when people seem confused by it or can't grasp its origins. The feeling of powerlessness has gotten so ingrained that it seems like radical acts (like shooting 32 people) are the only way to break through anymore. Writing letters, marching, even voting carry so little influence that it seems pointless.
So where to find the good? Not an easy answer some days. Keep moving. Keep pressing. Keep talking, singing, writing, reading...
Friday, April 20, 2007
Burnt Hair
A while ago a burned a section of my hair. Not entirely sure how I did it. So then I got it cut but there is still a section that is totally fried. So here's the thing, I am really really bothered by it. Way more than I should be. I have had days where I thought I was going to lose my mind because of my fried hair. It won't style, it just lays on my head and has no evidence of health. And the rest of my hair is pretty nice, I must say. So having this patch of bad hair is just so unacceptable to me.
I am getting it cut off later, in the belief that when I do I will be a happier person. How fucked up is that?
I wish I didn't place so much importance on something so trivial. I wish I didn't constantly compare my looks, clothes, car etc with others. I almost always think I come up short. I am too fat, too old, too unremarkable, too invisible when compared to everyone else. I try to use all the tricks like positive self talk and such to convince myself that I am not on a lower rung all the time. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. In the meantime though I am the only one I see around me with a big old patch of hay hanging on my head.
I am getting it cut off later, in the belief that when I do I will be a happier person. How fucked up is that?
I wish I didn't place so much importance on something so trivial. I wish I didn't constantly compare my looks, clothes, car etc with others. I almost always think I come up short. I am too fat, too old, too unremarkable, too invisible when compared to everyone else. I try to use all the tricks like positive self talk and such to convince myself that I am not on a lower rung all the time. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. In the meantime though I am the only one I see around me with a big old patch of hay hanging on my head.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
My new journal
So this is a change for me. I have a longhand journal which I periodically write in, but it's not working how I want it to. I tend to write superficially in it, and as though I know someone will read it and judge me for what I say. So I decided to turn the whole thing upside down and write in a place where I know someone (or, maybe no one) will read it and may very well judge what I say...and to not give a shit anyway. I have all these thoughts and feelings that are swirling in my head all the time and I think about how and where I can get them out...then when push comes to shove I write things that are so meaningless that when I read it later I find myself bored by it all.
Which is not to imly any guarantee that this will be any different, hell it may be worse. But at least I am trying.
I turn 41 next week, a week from today in fact. I can say without hesitation that 40 SUCKED and I am not entirely sure 41 won't as well. I am trying to be optimistic and want to let go fot his year from hell but I think more will need to be done for that to happen. There's too much to mention right now about how much I hated turning 40 and why it was so rotten for me. I want, no, need, to do that whole "letting it go" thang but I will do it kicking and screaming all the way. I know that life goes on but it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.
See, the thing is that I have been getting more in touch with my inner brat of late, and it's not making me the best company but it is helping me to stop working under my usual M.O. which is to please everybody else but me. I have heard it told that this means I am growing up. Big deal. Maybe, just maybe, growing up is the most overrated idea in the history of humankind. There's not obvious benefit that I have been able to identify. I will keep looking but in the mantime I would love it to just be left to my own bratty selfish devices, thank you ever so much.
For those who may be curious bout me, you will have to be patient. For those who aren't this won't be a problem.
Which is not to imly any guarantee that this will be any different, hell it may be worse. But at least I am trying.
I turn 41 next week, a week from today in fact. I can say without hesitation that 40 SUCKED and I am not entirely sure 41 won't as well. I am trying to be optimistic and want to let go fot his year from hell but I think more will need to be done for that to happen. There's too much to mention right now about how much I hated turning 40 and why it was so rotten for me. I want, no, need, to do that whole "letting it go" thang but I will do it kicking and screaming all the way. I know that life goes on but it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.
See, the thing is that I have been getting more in touch with my inner brat of late, and it's not making me the best company but it is helping me to stop working under my usual M.O. which is to please everybody else but me. I have heard it told that this means I am growing up. Big deal. Maybe, just maybe, growing up is the most overrated idea in the history of humankind. There's not obvious benefit that I have been able to identify. I will keep looking but in the mantime I would love it to just be left to my own bratty selfish devices, thank you ever so much.
For those who may be curious bout me, you will have to be patient. For those who aren't this won't be a problem.
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