Well here is is April and here I am blogging...amazing! I always hesitate to go back and read past posts because I have such a tendency to change my mind that I sometimes wish I could erase them. But then I realize that there's no need to, I felt that way that day and today I may feel differently. And there's not one thing wrong with that.
What I feel differently about today is yet again the state of my relationship. Had a good session with Mary last night, I am more clear but again feel overwhelmed by all that there will be to do in order to get where I want to be. Jan and I see our couples therapist later this week, I wonder, will I be able to lower the boom? I am so ready...but not ready...Jan must sense it because she tried a couple of times to bait me into a fight last night but I wouldn't play. She can't not know by now that the end is near. But like Mary said I need to go slowly, pick two or three things that I am not willing to compromise on and stick to my guns...she sees where this is headed though and thankfully I am starting to see it and be OK with it as well. Like she said, it won't be popular with everyone but everyone isn't the one who is living this life!
On other fronts, I didn't even get an interview for the position I applied for at PDP which pisses me off indeed. Girls are in California with their Dad for the week, having a blast I am sure. Miss them, hope they are soaking up every minute of it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Wow I truly suck at this
Oh well, I do what I can, right?
Let me see, what's the latest? Survived the Holidays AND hosting Rachel's Sweet Sixteen Party, two incredible achievements if you ask me. The Holidays were pretty easy to get through, the gilrs make it fun and even though Christmas Eve was a bit of a cluster fuck at least it was over rather quickly.
Rachel's party was a big success, and quite frankly a chance for me to say a backhanded "fuck all y'all" to everyone who, when I came out and left my husband, had the audacity to berate me for what they feared would be the WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THOSE POOR INNOCENT CHILDREN...who have survived, no, thrived, as best as any could given the circumstances. Having my ex-husband, his wife and their three year old son at the party was just the icing on the cake! So yeah, that was a sweet bit of gloating I got to do and I damn well deserved the opportunity to do it.
Now we're in February, the shortest and third least annoying month of the year (after March and November). Jan just had knee surgery and is making a good recovery. We're in counseling which is helping and I continue to see Mary my amazing therapist and that is helping as well. I think maybe I am beginning to feel more hopeful about the relationship, at least less pessimistic. I still crave my alone time and fantasize about being alone full time but not as much as before. There are and will always be things about Jan that drive me batty and I know for certain there will be days I want to run far far away...but they're less frequent and easier for me to manage now that the lines of communication are opening up. I also have to be honest and take responsiblity for treating her like the enemy a lot of the time, something I was taught to do by watching my parents all these years.
We did decide to take advantage of what may be our last chance to go to Mexico, if only it were sooner, we have to get almost all the way through March before the trip but that will be quite an incentive to stay busy and make the time pass more quickly.
I applied for another job at PDP, haven't heard anything although I know from experience that their process is terribly slow. I don't know if I would be a serious contender for the job but I figured I have nothing to lose by throwing my hat in the ring, and a potential 25K annual salary increase to gain so it was a no brainer.
Let me see, what's the latest? Survived the Holidays AND hosting Rachel's Sweet Sixteen Party, two incredible achievements if you ask me. The Holidays were pretty easy to get through, the gilrs make it fun and even though Christmas Eve was a bit of a cluster fuck at least it was over rather quickly.
Rachel's party was a big success, and quite frankly a chance for me to say a backhanded "fuck all y'all" to everyone who, when I came out and left my husband, had the audacity to berate me for what they feared would be the WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THOSE POOR INNOCENT CHILDREN...who have survived, no, thrived, as best as any could given the circumstances. Having my ex-husband, his wife and their three year old son at the party was just the icing on the cake! So yeah, that was a sweet bit of gloating I got to do and I damn well deserved the opportunity to do it.
Now we're in February, the shortest and third least annoying month of the year (after March and November). Jan just had knee surgery and is making a good recovery. We're in counseling which is helping and I continue to see Mary my amazing therapist and that is helping as well. I think maybe I am beginning to feel more hopeful about the relationship, at least less pessimistic. I still crave my alone time and fantasize about being alone full time but not as much as before. There are and will always be things about Jan that drive me batty and I know for certain there will be days I want to run far far away...but they're less frequent and easier for me to manage now that the lines of communication are opening up. I also have to be honest and take responsiblity for treating her like the enemy a lot of the time, something I was taught to do by watching my parents all these years.
We did decide to take advantage of what may be our last chance to go to Mexico, if only it were sooner, we have to get almost all the way through March before the trip but that will be quite an incentive to stay busy and make the time pass more quickly.
I applied for another job at PDP, haven't heard anything although I know from experience that their process is terribly slow. I don't know if I would be a serious contender for the job but I figured I have nothing to lose by throwing my hat in the ring, and a potential 25K annual salary increase to gain so it was a no brainer.
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