S0 the weekend was rotten. I went into a premenstrual funk on Saturday that led to my own deprivation. Jan and I were invited to her sister's for a clam steam and I was so miserable I didn't go...way to shoot myself in the foot once again.
I have been having these weird symptoms lately...tingling hands, burning feet, extreme muscle stiffness after limited exercise. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, she ran some tests which all came back fine...but I am not fine so I go back again in a few days. I seriously feel like I am falling apart. The depression is the worst though, worse now since I stopped Prozac about six months ago - total mistake. So I need to get back on that and try to get the physical stuff under control as well. I feel like the mental fog is getting worse as well, can't articulate my thoughts coherently and just want to put my head down and sleep all day long. I told Jan that I have been feeling suicidal...I know she's worried. I also don't think I could do that to my kids so there it is...
This thing with Rosie O'Donnell also affected me way to strongly. I have been feeling like it's just more proof that women will never be able to speak their minds in this fucked up society without risking losing everything. Now Cindy Sheehan is packing up and giving up too. It all builds up in my brain and makes me feel so hopeless and helpless...nothing will ever get better as long as we have a bunch of criminals running things, and I don't see that changing soon enough to give me any hope for the future.
Then there is this new job I have which is slowly driving me crazy...the office I work in is like a morgue most days, and I feel I am not at all on solid ground yet so that makes my insecurities go through the roof.
I am sure I sound like the biggest whiner in the room, maybe the universe. Tough shit. Everything is shitty right now and that's just the way it is. I am tired of others trying to convince me otherwise...yes I do have days when I have a sense of humor and can see the good...but this ain't one of them.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
A new year, a new day
I'm tired. And I have a bit of a headache. It could be allergies, stress, not enough sleep...who knows.
Anyway last night I went out to eat for my birthday. It was a lot of fun and the food was great. I almost didn't make it, was having a bit of a meltdown trying to get ready. Sometimes I feel so fat! I know I am not what most would consider fat but I need to drop about 25 lbs...have needed to since I had my kids. Sometimes I get on a good roll with exercise and diet, lately though I have just been indulging myself too much and not getting off my ass enough. The problem becomes that I beat myself up over it and that saps any motivation I might have had.
I got some cool gifts - a digital camera being the highlight - from Jan. Also a Roz Chast cartoon book which I wish I was home reading instead of being at work (not working). Also another cartoon book that looks really good. My friends Deb and Jackie gave me these booties that you can either heat up or make cold - I think I am going to be loving them...especially on cold nights. Jan's parents wisely went with a gift card from Borders...I am already itching to spend it! I recently read "welcome to my Country" by Lauren Slater and am working on ""Prozac Diary" (same author) and she has four other books I want to read. I learned of her from Rosie.com and so far I haven't ever been steered wrong by following her recommendations. Whatever people's opinions are of her, I find her to be a kindred spirit. I never watch her on TV, maybe that's why I don't find her obnoxious. I strictly read / watch her blog and I can't miss it for one day! It's a very strange connection.
Anyway last night I went out to eat for my birthday. It was a lot of fun and the food was great. I almost didn't make it, was having a bit of a meltdown trying to get ready. Sometimes I feel so fat! I know I am not what most would consider fat but I need to drop about 25 lbs...have needed to since I had my kids. Sometimes I get on a good roll with exercise and diet, lately though I have just been indulging myself too much and not getting off my ass enough. The problem becomes that I beat myself up over it and that saps any motivation I might have had.
I got some cool gifts - a digital camera being the highlight - from Jan. Also a Roz Chast cartoon book which I wish I was home reading instead of being at work (not working). Also another cartoon book that looks really good. My friends Deb and Jackie gave me these booties that you can either heat up or make cold - I think I am going to be loving them...especially on cold nights. Jan's parents wisely went with a gift card from Borders...I am already itching to spend it! I recently read "welcome to my Country" by Lauren Slater and am working on ""Prozac Diary" (same author) and she has four other books I want to read. I learned of her from Rosie.com and so far I haven't ever been steered wrong by following her recommendations. Whatever people's opinions are of her, I find her to be a kindred spirit. I never watch her on TV, maybe that's why I don't find her obnoxious. I strictly read / watch her blog and I can't miss it for one day! It's a very strange connection.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Today's the day
I AM 41...no more forty and I am so glad. It SUCKED. For some reason being 41 is so much better. I got so hung up on 40 that I couldn't get over it for a WHOLE YEAR. Now I have no choice, because it's over. Done. Fini.
Anyway, I woke up with terrible hearburn. A gift from the birthday Goddess. And my period. That seems to happen every year, since I got it at twelve. Christmas too. Or any major event like a vacation, wedding, you name it. Especially if it's something that requires dressing nice or wearing a bathing suit. Thank gawd I gave up horseback riding all those years ago.
Tonight we're going out to eat with Jan's (gf) parents, sister and her gf and another couple. Jan's Dad and his bitches. It should be fun, Jan's Mom and I have the same birthday (talk about marrying your mother). This weekend we'll be at my parent's. Then the high holy days of my birthday will fade for another year.
The weather has finally started to brighten up. This is my favorite time of year, things are getting green again. I love that color of late April / early May grass and the budding leaves on the trees. It's fleeting but beautiful. I would love to bust out of work and go sit in a park all day. Sometimes I try to soak in all the beauty hang on to it because I know I will need it in February.
Anyway, I woke up with terrible hearburn. A gift from the birthday Goddess. And my period. That seems to happen every year, since I got it at twelve. Christmas too. Or any major event like a vacation, wedding, you name it. Especially if it's something that requires dressing nice or wearing a bathing suit. Thank gawd I gave up horseback riding all those years ago.
Tonight we're going out to eat with Jan's (gf) parents, sister and her gf and another couple. Jan's Dad and his bitches. It should be fun, Jan's Mom and I have the same birthday (talk about marrying your mother). This weekend we'll be at my parent's. Then the high holy days of my birthday will fade for another year.
The weather has finally started to brighten up. This is my favorite time of year, things are getting green again. I love that color of late April / early May grass and the budding leaves on the trees. It's fleeting but beautiful. I would love to bust out of work and go sit in a park all day. Sometimes I try to soak in all the beauty hang on to it because I know I will need it in February.
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