I really mean it this time

OK so I know I said I was going to post more frequently on this blog but I haven't lived up to it. Oh well, what can I say? After some of my first few posts were so laden with anger I felt sort of sheepish to post when I am not angry...but the anger posts are necessary for me, they help me to clarify and figure out what's bugging me and give me a chance to just vent like a maniac. The thing is I am not always like that and I have this problem with the idea that I am a changeable person. I really get stuck sometimes, thinking that if I take a certain position on something there is absolutely no room for changing my mind. I must have picked this notion up as a kid and it's caused me a lot of grief over the years. The funny thing is that I change my external situation all the time, partners, jobs, apartments / houses you name it I am frequently changing something. So then I wonder if that's a way to over compensate for this strange inner belief that the one thing I can't change is my mind. But by making all those other changes I am changing my mind...oh what the fuck it's so complicated isn't it?

Anyway, things are relatively steady right now. As much as I have painted a very negative view of my girlfriend, remember, that was just venting! We're in a better place now than we have been in the past, things seem to be solidifying for us as a couple. I am learning acceptance of her and probably more importantly of myself. I realize that much of the anger I put out there about her is really about my own fears and insecurities. I have been working in therapy to admit them, which is painful enough, but to also try to get rid or minimize them which is excruciating. But it's working and it feels really good.

My kids are on vacation with their stepmother / step grandmother so we're living it up. Partied like rock stars over the weekend and even bought "Rock Band" to back it up. It's a lot harder than I imagined but I am getting the hang of it. I do enjoy the feeling of strapping on that fake guitar and whaling on those fake drums! Maybe I missed my calling...if there is such a thing as a calling to play fake instruments in the comfort of your own living room.

I have been trying to keep up with my reading, news/blogs/mags/books, you name it. It feeds me! Although it does make me nervous at times when I see the nastiness that goes on in blog-land. I am grateful that no one has read this one as far as I know but on the other hand it excites me to imagine it getting read...maybe I will get brave someday and let other people know about it but for now I feel OK with being unknown out there. I do comment once in a while on other blogs, not very often though. I am not sure my fragile ego could take what I see out there if someone really disliked this blog.

Well that's good for today. Hopefully I won't go so long before I make myself do this again...