An open letter to my father:

I am told I need to write this to you even though I am resisting doing it. I feel that by taking the time to write it I am giving something up, my time, my energy, my pride, you name it.

Whatever the case I am going to try to write down some thoughts about being in St Croix with you this Spring. Mainly about how your seeming inability to censor yourself causes pain for me. You are constantly describing women in sexual terms, young girls too. Girls the same age as your granddaughters. It reminds me of when I was their age and I was constantly worried about my breast size and whether or not I would ever "measure up", a fear that led me into too many scary and painful sexual situations (the biggie being the time I gave you the chance to grant me approval). I realize I was desperate to prove that I could be wanted with my little A cup body, and it made me have a totally distorted understanding of what power is. I though I was powerful because I could attract sex, that I was in control when I gave it away so easily, that I would be truly appreciated once I showed ho "good" I was at it.

Some days I even question whether or not identifying as gay was a swing of the pendulum in the other direction, a way to throw all that sexualization of me by you in your face. It's like I needed to take myself out of the running for your sick thoughts, but I probably just fueled them on a whole new level. Now I have to worry about bringing my friends around because I am sure it is so utterly titillating for you.

So now almost 12 years since I came out, after a marriage, two failed relationships, and one that I question daily, I am trying to figure out if any decision I have made about relationships has been about what I want. I find I am almost totally incapable of trusting myself to know what that is. I can't settle down, I can't be happy where I am, I crave aloneness so that I don't have to trust another person because I don't trust myself. I am on a see-saw of emotion every day, wanting to embrace my life and relationship with Jan one minute and wanting to reject and abandon it the next. I never get through one singe day without it being a tug of war between those two extremes.

I believe that it was the schizophrenic nature of my childhood that causes this blocking for me. On one hand you extol the virtues of feminism and on the other you are all about tits and ass. You try to come off as the sensitive enlightened guy and yet you speak to my mother like she's incompetent, useless, not sexy and weak. You expect everyone to bend to your will and you act like a spoiled two year old when you don't get your way. You aren't willing to do anything for yourself and you're killing yourself with alcohol.

All of this makes me reluctant to bring Rachel and Sarah around because you have no impulse control. They are aware of it and thankfully they see it as something wrong with you and not with them. This is why the girls will not be spending the summer with you and Mom. It's not about them wanting to work locally, it's about me not wanting to worry about what you're going to do or say that will cross the line. It's about not wanting them to have porn sites featuring girls as young looking as them pop up on your computer. It's about how much you drink and that you drive when you're drinking. It's about the way you talk to Mom and belittle her and think it's perfectly acceptable.